Anglican Churches.
They are sometimes so boring you would want to lie on the pew and sleep off. But when you meet the lively ones, you just have fun. Confusion sets in during the chanting of canticles. You will keep looking like, "oh damn! What am I gonna say now?" And if you are not from a hymn singing church, you will do a lot of moping.
Catholic Churches.
Boring as hell. If you are lucky to meet the choir's song, you will have fun. They sing well. Confusion sets in from the beginning to the end. The standing and sitting and then standing again. Then the Latin! You go confuse finally.
If care is not taken, you go think na only reading them do, you no go know say Sermons don happen.
Christ Embassy.
Errmm these one. No dulling moments o. There is always singing and dancing and shouting. You will just love them.
Confusion however sets in when the preaching starts and you see people dropping their shoes and their phones at the altar. No matter how much it fascinates you, Hold your phone!
You ain't getting it back if you drop it. And then the constant speaking in tongues by everyone just confuses you more.
Deeper Life Bible Church.
First of, look up "Boredom" in the dictionary. You see that picture attached to it? That is a Deeper life Church. The "Bible study" time is when confusion takes over. You will be smiling, "ah this Bible study don finally finish after 30 years" then another oversized suit wearing brother will climb the pulpit and say "Shall we pray before we study the Bible". Then you'll go, " Dafu*ck???".
Bible study is different form Sermon and Study Bible my Brother. One more thing. No matter what happens. Do not fall under any anointing or speak in tongues.
Redeemed Christian Church (RCCG I forgot what G is for help)
This Church is never boring. Even when it has just 3members (which is mostly because there are 20 branches in every street) they always find a way to light up their Church. Their dressing is one thing that will confuse you.
The same place you see one Aunty putting on p@ants and open hair, is where you will see another Aunty wearing oversized suit and extra large hat.
Their tithing system will confuse you small shaa. Like, "Ahh your baby is beautiful. Where is her tithe?" You: Ehh? From which income?
First Baptist Churches
They are more like Anglicans with a few different thing. But they like terrible music eh. It's like they interview their choir members and choose the worse among them. Their songs will confuse you. You know how you are preparing to dance to the offering box, then you hear, "Good morning Jesus.." You: You are kidding right?
Mountain of Fire and Miracle Ministry (MFM)
First off: Go with your paracetamol. Everything is backed up by voilent prayer. Even if na food we wan chop, we must call out enemies at home and shake head for them. No dulling moment tho. They sing well and they dance well. Confusion will set in when the prayer leader actually tells you to "Shake your head vigorously". Like, "So it is not even optional?". Egbami!
Lord Chosen
Talk about boredom and terrible use of English, talk about Chosen in every State. Everything is tiring and everybody will be forming "Deep and in the spirit".
Confusion comes with the testimonies. Stay away if you can. Or you might hear yourself shouting "but Aunty that can't be true nah. Haba!" Another confusion comes with the preaching. You heard the topic
"God loves us so much" but preacher will keep screaming, "All you gehs that wear trasa and rubbing things of mouth and wear eiyaa rings, you wee burn in hee faya!" You:
Watchman.
These people are the next of kin to Deeper life Church. So whatever you see in the Former is what you see here. Little difference is that, Watchman copied Deeper life, then they started taking their own too far. If Deeper life will close by 3pm, Watchman would close by 5pm. No chills! Dunamis / House on the Rock. These two are sincerely interesting Churches.
Songs - Check
Fine building - Check
Everything -Check!
But you might get confused when they start their excitement screaming even when it is clearly unecessary. You might be tempted to say, "But Onku it is not that serious nah. Pastor just said "The Lord is Good" why are you jumping now eh?".
Christ Holy Church aka odozi obodo.
Kai! This Church can sabi sweet eh. There is always a reason to dance. Everything calls for dancing. But you might confused and start asking if you are in Cele or one correct Sabbath Church like that.
Salvation Army.
Hehehehe
They are interesting when they want to be. But when they mean business, you go confuse tire. The uniform? Highest Agent of confusion. You might start fearing in your mind that the person who invited you is secretly planning to enrol you in the Force. I am tired abeg.
PS: Don't come here to defend any church. It is just a joking sturvs. I am not ridiculing any church. I am not Church shaming you. Happy Sunday to you...
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